Before I begin this post, I’d like to make a disclaimer that anything you read in this post might or might not be an accurate reflection of me as a person. Events might or might not have happened as described below. Please take the descriptions below with a generous pinch of salt and five-spice powder. In no way am I representing any company when I say the following.
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Today, a sorta colleague of mine mentioned that he thought i’d gained weight. In that really affronting, self-righteous way that really pisses me off. Bearing in mind he’s still a colleague, though, I played nice and said something along the lines of, “Well, my weighing machine doesn’t say so but I guess your myopic vision and judgmental nature are probably more accurate.” In other words, I smiled and nodded politely, while he went on saying how, “really, you’ve put on weight since you’ve joined us. Really.”
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not me. hehe
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Anyhoo, I thought of the perfect comeback 5 hours later when I was showering. I should have said, “Oh really? My 5 boyfriends and 37 suitors would like to disagree. Really. ”
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While technically he didn’t call me fat, and he could just be mistaking my menstrual bloat for extra weight, I gotta say I still felt offended enough to want to make him PAY. (Ok, really, he’s a nice person.. I don’t interact with him much but still a colleague so yea..)
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So I was lucky that it was actually a nice colleague (sorta) who’d said that to me. What about people who are mean and say things in an attempt to make you feel bad about yourself? Here’s an effective way to turn the tables on them (or at least, in my head, I think it’s an effective way)
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To fight off people who say mean things about you, make them feel as awkward as possible by employing TMI (Too Much Information)
ie
person: you’re gaining weight
you: oh really? my view is still unobstructed enough for me to shave my nether regions.
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person: you’re fat and ugly
you: i still get laid more than you.
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person: i get laid more than you
you: i have less of a chance of contracting STDs than you
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And the list goes on! Basically, think of anything that would make someone uncomfortable and use that to your advantage. Some simple suggestions include bowel movements, STDs, hygiene, sex stories, eating weird things, fetishes, animals and any combination of the above. If you ever need help, ask me. I’m the Queen of TMI, as all my friends probably know by now ><
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Speaking of being accused of being fat, I gotta say, I just LURRRRVE it when people tell me, “You’re not fat, you’re just big-sized!” As if I didn’t know.
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A Stick Insect. Did you know stick insects have tiny tiny weenies? Oh wait, you'd probably know better than I do =X
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Also, the people who have outrightly called me fat (ok, all 2 of them) are, oddly enough, skinny stick insects (really, one of them literally looked like a stick insect. How he ever gets/will get laid is beyond me) who are, imo, in no position to label people “fat” like it’s a bad thing. Gotta tell ya, I’m pretty sure chubby girls are a lot more fun between the sheets (and legs) than bony chicks will be. Like seriously, what are you working with on a skinny chick? Now, (here comes a bit of TMI, be warned) when I, for want of a better word, analyze myself, I realize that my ‘nicer’ parts are the parts with a bit more meat; namely, T&A.. I’ll admit. I want to lose some weight so I’ll look better in clothes (because in Asia, we don’t have sizes 0-10. We have sizes -12 to 0) But when I think of the softness I’ll lose when losing weight, I kinda want to focus my weight loss efforts on those parts that could stand to lose some meat (tummy, maybe).
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Btw, due to the TMI in the above paragraph, I deliberately left it as one whole chunk to make it tougher to read =P Anyhoo, the issue brought up in that paragraph is one that I’ve explored in one of my upcoming pre-written posts so don’t anybody steal my idea now! All it needs are some pictures!
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Ok i’ve ranted a bit and feel better. Off to bed now. Happy Monday everyone. It’s shit indeed. I love you all =D
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